Some of the things I will do when I finally get to move back to Sacramento

First, let me say this: I hate the summer time in Sacramento. I left Sacramento gladly. I was very ready to get me some cool ocean air. (I'll always be ready for cool ocean air). I also hate that Sacramento has a large group of "hipsters". My love of Sacramento has always been that it's not a hip town and that in spite of that, there is an undercurrent of radicalism and creativity that is very much alive yet accessible. Unfortunately, there is also a large group of downtown kids who are "hip". I was working at a popular bar down there, so I was faced with these hipsters on a nightly basis. Listening to the right music, wearing the absolutely perfectly concocted T shirt that is ironic but not so ironic that it is no longer "funny", the perfect salvation army wear and tear women's jeans that are the perfect amount of tight, and since they spent a good portion of their time snorting coke being skinny was no problem at all for them. Yeah, being surrounded by those types makes you do several things. At first it's sort of attractive. Being part of a crowd that is exclusive is as irresistible to adults as it is to jr. high kids. Then of course you do the coke, because I assure you, these people are much more interesting to you if you're high. But it eventually becomes tedious and you lose interest. Then you just begin to be annoyed because these hipsters just start taking over-they're like roaches, if you see one you know damn well that a million are right behind her on their cruisers smoking the right cigarettes with hair that never seems to move but is messed up in just the right places and their perfect teeth too-you know they're coming, all million of them, and they will take over your town and before you know it all the old dive bars that were great to hang out in because they were dark, dank, and smokey and reminded you of the bars in the movies you watched, and made you feel all pretendy and movie like, and made you want to order things like slow-gin fizz even though you had no fucking clue that was-pretty soon that bar, the one with the bartender who is just as drunk as you are and also probably didn't actually make you a slow gin fizz, pretty soon that bar is going to be over run by hipsters. So the last resort is to never leave your house, stay in your back yard, drink your cheap beer back there in your T shirts that are SOOOO not ironic...

In spite of that I am sooooo happy to be returning. Or at least I think I am.

So. Here are some of the things I intend to do upon my return to midtown.

1) I will go to the Depot and have red headed sluts. I will get drunk in a gay ghetto again. I know that there are plenty of people who have no affinity whatsoever to gay ghetto's. Having lived in a town with no such thing, let me tell you how much I miss it. I've always loved the gay ghettos anyway. I don't care how aunt jemima it is-damn it I want to wander the several blocks that make up Sacramento's lively gay ghetto, with all the fabulousness and crystal meth alike. I will walk from the Depot over to the merc, and maybe even go into Faces, who knows.

2)I will subsequently leave the gay ghetto and revisit herpes triangle. I will have a pabst blue ribbon on tap at the O.T with all the washed up punkers- and listen to the butt-rock on the juke-box. I'll order some fries too. And I'll sit on the back patio and listen to the stupid-and I mean unbelievably stupid conversations. I'll pray for the (almost) inevitable fist fight. I will go back inside, put more money into that jukebox, and I will play pin ball for a while. I will leave the OT to go to the next stop in Herpes Triangle-Benny's. Now I know people there, so I can't really talk shit... oh fuck that, sure I can. At Benny's they don't have pabst on tap, but they have newcastle, and stella I think-or maybe it's harps. Either way, I'll go with lager thanks very much. I will go to the back patio where I will see some old friends and we will probably not have a lot to say-well, I will because then I will be loaded drunk. I'll see the dude who's wife I slept with (thinking that she had left him-not my fault) and he will smile like he is saying "I still want to kill you bitch" and I will think pretentiously "dude, I'm so much better than you. I left sacramento, I don't even need to be here" or something equally ridiculous and bitchy. I will sit on the back patio and watch the boys and girls grope each other-but mostly they are just playing and mostly, in spite of some of the meat heads who frequent Benny's, it is sweet and fun. Next on the final lap of the Triangle I will walk around the corner to The Press Club. Here's the thing-I fucking hate the press club. I have not set foot in that place in almost ten years. I think the last time I went there was with a few friends of mine after a River Cats game where we ran up and down the street screaming that the River Cats were going to the Fucking WORLD SERIES bitches...

3)Then it will be time for a drunken ride through midtown at night. I will try to remember to have a bike light this time-and won't let some dumbass borrow my bike and get my light ripped off-I seem to remember doing that. I will ride all over midtown. Summer evenings in midtown are the best evenings ever, anywhere, no doubt about it. It will finally have cooled off, and people in Sacramento are desperate to get outside when it cools down. They walk. They sit on porches. They ride their bikes. They sit on patios at restaurants. It's really amazing.

4)I will, if it kills me, make it to more then two Friday in the Park shows. I will buy at least one beer in the beer garden. I swear to god I will do this. The last summer that I was in Sacramento I worked at a bar, so every goddamn Friday night I got to serve the schmucks who were all out enjoying the concert in the park. Well damn it, this time around I will be one of those schmucks.

5)I will buy some books at Time Tested Books and say hi to Peter. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about since I've done some more studying of Tolstoy and I know how much he loves the Tolstoy.

6)I will get bangers and mash at streets of london. it's just something that must be done. like it or not, it's gonna have to happen. This time though I'll take my lap top, sit out on the back patio and have bangers and mash and stella on tap (also like it or not streets of london takes really good care of their taps and their stella on tap is pretty good)-and I will love it out on that patio. There are some crazy but interesting cats that go to Streets in the heat of the afternoon, early evening, and something about it is just wonderful.

7)I will spend my 4th of July in Oakpark, because oakpark on the 4th is fucking great. Things explode and there is a lot of beer. Plus I have friends who live there that like to get drunk and tweak their store bought fireworks, making them go faster, higher and louder.

8)I will go to a River Rats game and will get field seats. I will fill up a cooler with beer and sandwiches and will totally make a night of it.

9)I will see a movie at the Tower theater, and at the Crest theater.

10)I will have breakfast at any of the following places: corner stone, lucky cafe, or tower cafe. oh and Fox and goose. can NOT forget Fox and GOose beer breakfast. I hear they have a full liquor license now too, so bloody marry's will be made completely at the bar instead of what we used to do (bring our own vodka and order the rest). All have their own charm and all deserve attention. So perhaps I will eat at all three places.

11)also of course I'll go to willy burger.

These are just a few of the things I will do when I get home. I don't think people realize what a great town Sacramento is. And that's fine for me. I hear that the really "hip" place to be is Portland Oregon, so head up that way folks, and leave the little town of Sacramento to us boring non-hip people who just want to ride our bikes around at night with beers in our hand. peace.

apatow, hip hop and misogyny

I do not have time to write a response to the following links, but they are both well written and would like to send people in these directions:

http://brandonsoderberg.blogspot.com/2008/05/judd-apatow-thinks-rap-music-is-really.html

http://modelminority.blogspot.com/2008/05/dysfunctional-ping-pong.html

I really like the way brandon soderberg writes about music. It's interesting, enthusiastic, and articulate, and not overly pretentious.

And m dot brings up some great arguments about soderberg's misogynistic language and I think that should always be pointed out. I think sometimes people get away with using language that is utterly sexist because otherwise their point is good, or well written. And I'm glad that she doesn't let him get away with it. There is SOOOOOOOO much of it.

And as for me, I like superbad and 40 year old virgin, but quite frankly I am just tired of more stories about straight white boys being straight white boys, no matter how sweet they may be. I have nothing against them, those straight white boys. They aren't bad people. But the fact is my story-the queer white girl who is ultimately sweet and socially awkward (which makes for better comedy believe me)-that story doesn't get told-unless it's in one of the following contexts: porn, or coming out. Also it's not that it's Apatow's responsibility to tell my story. That still doesn't make me any more interested in seeing his story over and over again because it's the only story that gets funding and mass distribution.

DAMN RIGHT YOUR MOM EXPERIMENTED!

This is so fabulous that I am merely going to send you directly to the blog. Do not pass go, do not collect... well anyhow click here now

There is a line in the book Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas when the very macho but still sweet and sexy man (I can't remember his name in spite of him being a major character) tells Gwen that since they have both eaten asparagus their pee will smell the same that night.

I've been eating a lot of asparagus this week. I love it so I spent the huge amount of money to have it out of season (SOOOOOOOOO not green of me)- and tonight I decided to find out exactly why:

http://www.drdaveanddee.com/asparagus.html

Some say it's linked to higher intelligence. True or not, I am going to go with it. My pee stinks after I eat asparagus because I am intelligent. (which is relieving because I was thinking I was a mediocre hack).

YAY FOR STINKY URINE!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080514/ap_on_re_us/texas_ants

OK so I was looking for the blondie song about Giant Ants From Space. I couldn't find it but I found some other Blondie videos that I love so fuck it. I don't care about the ants destroying computers in Texas anymore:



I had this album and listened to it obsessively when I was fifteen. I had a huge crush on a girl named tanya that worked at a Chinese food place a few miles from my house. I rode my bike up there three or four times a week. I didn't have a lot of money so I would order boiled rice and coke from her. On my way to and from I listened to this album on my headphones. I findally got her number, and she even said yes to me! and then I got grounded or something equally perverse and stupid and so I couldn't go and couldn't even call her to tell her why I was flaking on her. Then I was just too ashamed to go and tell her all of this because she was like two years older or something and certainly would have thought I was a total fool.

This video and the way Debbie Harry looks reminds me of what a friend of mine once wrote about Jodie Foster. My friend wrote that after the revolution we are all going to be a bit more like Jodie Foster used to be. Jodie Foster has always been so tough, and beautiful and smart and dangerous, but also has had infinite amounts of class. Why, just take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OClsC17XRk

[embedding disabled fucking bastards]

but hey there IS this:



That is what the revolution looks like.



(psst: she finally came out. I don't know why, but it never once bothered me that Jodie hadn't come out publicly. For some reason I accepted her quiet queerness. Maybe it's because she's the face of the revolution, and the revolution, in addition to being all about love, is ambiguous, and thrives on ambiguity).

Also, just in case anyone is wondering, yes, I am in fact depending on the revolution to take care of my student loans.

Thanks, but no I don't want to see another Dane Cook video

Every time I look at a new comedian, I am always nervous. I watch their set just waiting. I am waiting for the anti-woman joke, or the heterosexist joke (you know the kind I'm talking about "my wife does this...men, your wives do that too, huh?" audience laughs with recognition "why do women have to do that? I mean...men don't do that..." audience again laughs-women and men alike). It's boring humor, it's a cheap gag, and quite frankly it doesn't take a lot of thought to think about gender roles and state them in front of an audience..."why do women cry so much and why are men so into sports? Have you ever noticed that men don't like to show affection to each other? it's like whoa dude, don't put your hand on my shoulder" which leads inevitably to the next phase of horrific humor, the GAY... "dude, I'm straight," ha ha ha. Of course there is a more contemporary version of this joke that boils down to the same formula: the I'm gay routine. It's seen as "self-deprecating" and when faced with confrontation on this humor the response is "I called mySELF gay, so clearly it wasn't a homophobic joke. "

Comedy is my favorite thing in the world. It is the most important thing in my life, and I think it is the thing that will save humanity if humanity is to be saved. God? yeah, not so much. FEMA? obviously that didn't work out so well. The UN? well, as long as the inspectors don't take too long, and The League of Nations fell through with grace and dignity I'm sure. There is nothing that can stop war, hatred, bigotry, and all those things that plague this stupid species. Except for a really good laugh. That's it. So there is nothing that makes me angrier than when comedians are half-ass about their work. That is why it is always with caution that I explore new comedy. I hear people tell me all the time, "oh, you want to write about comedy? Oh, I totally know this great comedian. Yeah he did this great bit about how women cry all the time and black people dance really well-it was so funny". Sometimes I just get a reccomendation without the details, and that's even scarier.

So I wanted to take the time now to share some video experience of comedians that have been recommended to me.



So one of my adventures in intertubes comedy is this guy. His rhythm is awful. his subject matter is a bit cliche. Well, not cliche necessarily but I've already sat in front of the TV, stoned (eating oreos) and wrote this routine. Good comedian I am not. So while I like his attempt, I'm not terribly impressed with him. But I like that he hasn't made a chick, dick, or black, homo joke, so I'm going to give the dude a chance.






ALright, I think, I sure am glad I gave him a chance. He's improving. His rhythm still isn't exceptional, but his subject matter is still interesting. He still hasn't made "the" jokes. And the line "you're alive and you know you're dead" made me laugh. He is taking something and exagerating it, it is almost self-deprecating but done so with compassion (unlike ben stiller, but don't get me started on that douchebag). So I think he might be ok. This whole rhythm thing-I know he needs to work it out. But he's doing an ok job with the other stuff, so I decide to look at more of his stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOXqzZO8j8g

[embedding disabled by request: which is another complain of mine: why the fuck are you publishing something online if you don't want people to see it/ share it? if you wanted this to be private there are much easier ways to do that, GARGH!]

so he talks about how he has become like his mother. He talks here about how she was English and they are cold and unaffectionate, and how she was a "gargoyle with tits".

One of the reasons I love watching old Richard Pryor stuff is because he takes some seriously heavy shit and makes his entire audience piss their pants laughing. He is on that stage exorcising demons in front of us, and making us laugh at those damn demons. It's powerful. Sometimes when I watch it, I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh, but I can't help the physical, sublime reaction of "BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA" it's like vomiting, only really really good. I never would think of Richard Pryor and think, "I wish he wouldn't use the word tits". It just wouldn't occur to me, because he is making magic up there, and I literally mean magic. He creates this spirit between him and the audience, this monster, that looms there, almost fucking visible, and it takes my breath away.

This dude, this Drew Hastings isn't quite doing that. Of course, it's not fair at all to compare someone to a genius. It's not fair because if everyone were geniuses, we would no longer be able to breathe.

So back to Drew's routine about his mother. I'm still liking him, but still trying to figure out why he isn't working. Again, I really think it's his rhythm, he just doesn't have it. Also, there is something contrived about it. Like he really isn't exposing himself up there at all. He isn't letting himself go. He wrote the material and he's sticking to it. Which is fine, a lot of great comedians do that. However, they don't look as though they're doing that. I know I'm expecting a lot out of the poor guy when all he wanted to do was come out and have a few laughs. Still, I like his stuff ok, and I can NOT stress enough how glad I am that he is straying from the usual round of crap jokes. Here's the next one I watch:



It's not the use of the word "cunt" that I don't like about this. I don't take issue with that word. I don't have a problem with that word being used as in insult, I don't have a problem with that word being used to describe our girls, a part of our anatomy. I have a problem with this because first and foremost it's not funny. Why isn't it funny?

I have a friend who tries to pull the "it's all subjective" card on me all the time. Whenever I start to talk about why I don't like a certain band, or artist, or comedian, that is his response. First of all, it's a dismissal of my discussion. "oh it's all subjective, so don't talk about it." I take issue with that. Even if something is subjective doesn't mean it shouldn't be argued. In fact, the idea of subjectivity v. objectivity is ridiculous anyway. Everything is subjective. Let's pause a moment and look at basic grammar.

John kicked the ball.

the ball is the object. Kicked is the verb-the action.

Now change the subject:

Sarah kicked the ball. A whole new set of ideas has entered our mind now. A GIRL kicked the ball.

OK I'll try a different set of subjects to make this more obvious, and less about gender, for those of you who get annoyed at my insistance that the world we live in is a terribly sexist arena. Try this:

Queen Elizabeth kicked the ball.

Bill Clinton kicked the ball.

Chingis Kahn kicked the ball.

Louis XIV kicked the ball.

All of these various subjects change the nature of this sentence. I'll complicate it some more.

Bill Clinton wrote a story about human history.

Chinggis Kahn wrote a story about human history.

Human history doesn't change. The writer of human history has changed.

Don't tell me that subjectivity isn't important, or that it should mean that we dismiss telling the story of human history because it's all subjective. OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS. Stating the obvious doesn't change the fact that we should argue about this.

So back to comedy damn it! SO why isn't dude's PSA about women being cunts funny? I think the attempt was to do something different with it. Taking a Public Service Announcement and tweaking it. That is a recipe for comedy. People have been tweaking PSA's since PSA's came about. The use of the word cunt is supposed to be shocking and daring. Because very few people, particularly women, can stand that word. This can be a recipe for comedy. However, he falls very short on two accounts. One he doesn't tweak the word. He doesn't use it in a way that has not been used before. If it was about dogs being cunts, and how we need to stop dog cuntery or something (I'm not a comedian, so piss off if you expect *me* to be funny. I'm a critic, it's what I do). Next, not only does he use the word in the same tired fashion that we've already heard a million times, it's totally directed at women-also tired, and cliche. Finally, when you put all of this together, it becomes either lazy or trite. I'll give Drew Hastings the benefit of the doubt and say it's trite. He attempted to do something really clever and fell completely short.

And so it's back to the drawing board. Let's see how Dane Cook is doing. He's really popular. I have a tendency to think that comedy needs to come from the bowels of suffering. I know how trite that is, so I try to avoid that. The problem with avoiding that is that the best comedy comes from people laughing at how fucked up we are. And the only way to make that truly funny is to be fucked up too. Because if you're just standing on stage pointing your finger at all the fucked up people out there, you are essentially making fun of your audience. And no one wants to be made fun of. (again, someone out there is thinking Ben Stiller, and I will get to his epic douchebaggery in a minute, give me a break man). So let's check in on Dane Cook and see how he holds water. Let's test him out on the woman thing first, since we're already there:



His timing is really good in this. I really like how he uses the space around him in this, he uses the entire stage, he totally fills it up. He does a really good job of making it appear to be the first time he's ever told this story. That's a combination of the timing and his use of the stage (that was redundant, shit. I need more coffee). I also like that when he's talking about the woman who's giving him head she's not a bitch or a whore. And I like that it's sexuality without degradation. When he says the most beautiful sound is "uh-huh" that's great. I'm all for it. However, having given him that, I now intend to take it allllll back. Note his impression of the woman trying to get out of the car. Now watch this clip:




So in spite of the ending of this, where he almost redeems himself of the ridiculous posturing of this partial person who can't complete a sentence at all... in spite of that, his women and his fags are the same thing. At least his women are allowed to complete their sentences. So this boils down to one of two things: laziness, or lack of bothering to come up with better material, OR he thinks it's funny and OK to portray women and fags this way. I don't think he's lazy. He's the MYSPACE comedian, for god's sake. That wasn't laziness that made that happen.

Then there's this classic argument, with which I agree (for the most part) in spite of my above comments:



Not that I'm a huge fan of Eddie Murphy, but I think he makes some good points in this clip.

The next argument is this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY&feature=related

[embedding not allowed-the stinking bastards]

George Carlin here discusses language and how it has evolved. It's pretty funny. Some of the words he uses are not accurate.

OK so if the above two clips are faves of mine, doesn't that make my criticism of Dane Cook and Drew Hastings null and void because I've now seemingly contradicted myself? Well, actually I have not contradicted myself at all.

I'm not arguing that the words Cook and Hastings use are bad. I'm not arguing that they shouldn't be heard. I'm merely saying that they aren't funny, and I'm stating why. I think there is a fine line, and a good comedian walks that fine line. A bad comedian stomps all over that line jumping up and down shouting and throwing their arms around:



exactly. He has no actual material.

I feel as though I should include in this discourse at least one example of sublime comedy. OK so I'll try:

I've been watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show on Hulu.Com and it is helping me to imagine getting a real job. Totally. I am going to go shopping and buy fabulous clothes just like her:



ok this is nothing like her, but it's so mesmerizing, how could I NOT get hired. One look at me and the person doing the interviewing will be thinking: A) She is fabulous, B)my eyes are all watery and I'm confused or C) HIRE her so that she'll leave now!

And I'll get a boss like Lou Grant who is rough but sweet, and I'll have a cute bald guy who is mostly gay who works next to me... and so on. All I need is the dress. and a beret. I can totally do this. If mary can do it, so can i.

Mary Kate or Ashley or something olsen

This is really bizarre. Read down a few comments to the "I'd still do her though"...

this is today's WHOA.

Tattoos, Miley Cyrus, Disney, and Vanity Fair

I got the tattoo. I am proud of it. It hurt maybe a gazillionth of what it must feel like to have your city destroyed by bombs, and it hurt a gaillionth of what it must feel like to die too young because of a war that has nothing to do with you, other than your dumb luck of being born in a place, or living in a place, that is being pummeled by a stupid government which is in control of this place that i had the dumb luck to be born into. It hurt a gazillionth of what it must feel like for this woman's family every time they think of her and every time they wish she were still around.

OK I'll stop with the maudlin.

I will say that I will have a picture of it soon. Very soon if that jack-ass friend of mine finds the cord to his damn camera.

I swear to god. For my graduation I am asking for two things cameras and... well OK in the words of Grace when speaking to Karen (only changed to suit my specific needs of a digital camera/camcorder): I want the labels to read either SONY or MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS!

So I got the tattoo. It is great to be a part of this project. I have not yet had time to start a blog for her, but I will as soon as she says go.

And now I would like to take this moment to chime in on the whole Miley Cyrus controversy:





I don't see sex when I see this photo. I see a child. And it's an interesting photo as well, but it's not sexual in the least. And if you think it's sexual, then you are projecting sexuality onto it, and you ought to think about why you as an adult feel ok with putting sexuality onto a child.

This picture could say a lot about her being a child star, first of all. Look at the way her posture is, and how vulnerable she looks. The kid is attacked from all sides, and her AGENCY is taken away from her, which brings me to my next point:

Stop acting like poor little Miley didn't have any say in it. DAMN IT she DID. She chose those pictures as did everyone around her-including daddy cyrus, disney cyrus, and so on cyrus... they *all* saw those photos before they were released to the press.

photographic proof that daddy was in fact there at the shoot:





So I don't want to hear another damn ass-hole who just *has* to have her say in the matter-that poor miley and what is this world coming to and so on...

Perhaps the only interesting writing I've seen about this whole thing.

well, and this is also interesting.

and finally-Miley if you are going to apologize for anything it should be these:





and Disney can suck it-acting all outraged:



[not that this picture is sexual either because it isn't necesarily sexual at all... but still, they're outraged that Vanity Fair manipulated Miley to sell copy?]

PUHLEAZE- like Disney doesn't exploit children in anyway they can any time they can (the implied clause there is "get away with it"). So Disney: SUCK IT!